March 31st
2014 Part II My reaction caught me completely off guard. Brett had to
get back to work, so the 2 second bad news phone call took a few minutes’ to
process. Well, I processed it and a whole slew of emotions attacked in one
terrible moment. I was so completely and utterly…confused. Up until this moment I had felt nothing but hope and
confidence about everything. Not for one single moment had I been worried about
anything. I had felt in my head, and in my heart, that everything was going to
be just fine, over and over again. I was even ok about the answer being no to
North Carolina, and I still felt ok about being here in Des Moines for another
year – I always new that was a very real outcome and I was totally ok and FINE
with that. So why was a bawling and freaking out!?! What the heck was going on
with me!? I was seriously inconsolable! I just did not understand. I felt SO
good about NC, about there being a solution solved that day to the worry and
disappointment my husband had been feeling. And THAT is why I was so incredibly
sad. I couldn’t believe the world was doing this to Brett! This man who is so
smart, and gracious, and kind, and hard working – and I felt like NO ONE else was seeing that. It wasn’t
fair that such a good man got nothing. I felt like it was all a stupid game of
cheaters who were manipulating the system and not getting caught, but getting everything
they wanted. Seriously, not fair AT ALL. I felt like such an idiot. Yesterday,
Sunday I had felt so wonderful that morning. I stood up in church and bared my
testimony, which I felt so strongly about, how the Lord is so ready and willing to
run our lives…to lead us where He wants us to be. To give us bigger and better
things than we ever thought possible if we only let Him take control and have
faith and full trust in Him to let it all work out. And I had that faith. Well,
now I felt like a goof for saying all those things because I was so beyond
confused at my reactions to it all today. I had felt so worry free and
wonderful about everything. I had spent the last week, trying to lift my
husband’s spirits with words of peace and comfort I felt about the whole
situation. But now, at this moment, and I felt was muddled…and even a little,
rightfully I think, pissed off. I called my dad. Sent out text to friends and
family who were all waiting to hear good news….and I cried like a baby the
whole time. Brett called and said he was coming home…and he could tell I had
been crying. I was trying really, really hard not to, but I just didn’t know
why, why, WHY I was acting this way!!
Brett came home, held me in his arms and let me cry and be
angry. And I felt bad and terrible because I was the one who was trying so hard
and had said nothing but positive things to him about everything for almost 2
weeks about ALL of this. And now, he
was looking at me and I was losing it…like everything I said seemed like a lie and
I felt ashamed and so, so silly. But it hadn’t when I said it, and felt it…but
now, I just seemed so incredibly stupid in front of him. But, he reminded me of
one of the many conversations we had had this last week. I had said, when he
would be down – I would be up…and vise versa. Never would we both be sad at the
same time. He told me he felt like he was going to be devastated if he heard it
was no, but he wasn’t. He felt ok about it all, had already kinda moved on from
it. He was up and I was down. For some strange reason, this was my down moment.
My terrible, rotten, awful moment that Brett said I had been holding in for 2
weeks now. In my mind, I felt like everything was my fault in some way. It was
my fault the Lord was making us stick in Des Moines for another year. I was
holding my husband back because I was dishonest. I was selfish. I was just not
being the person I was supposed to be. So, this no residency possibility
situation was MY fault – the Lord wanted to make ME good enough so we could move
on. I felt so many un-named emotions, I felt like I made no sense to anyone,
most of all myself. I told him about my horrible day, how I had lost my ring,
which was also adding to my sorrow. Brett told me he said a prayer in the
moments we were frantically looking for it together. He asked the Lord in
frustration, seriously – please show me
that you still care about us and haven’t forgotten us and let my wife find her
ring! Not 2 seconds after, I emptied
a small trash bag on our kitchen floor and found my wedding ring inside.
Well, the day went on. My husband let me be sad. He let me
be mad at the world. I probably took more frustration out on my kids and him
than deserved. I kept thinking about more words I had offered my husband over
the weekend. I told him about a talk I had heard about it being ok to be sad
for a moment. That even the Lord, when he went to raise Lazareth from the dead,
knowing of the great miracle He was about to do, cried for his friends. He was
sad for a moment, when everyone else was sad for a moment. So, this helped me
feel entitled to be sad and angry. I was taking my moment.
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