We moved...just to move again.

It has occurred to me so many, many times I should be writing everything down. Something I felt I used to be extremely good at, I have become very negligent. I don't know why - i really do love writing, even if you don't love what I write about. It is a way to express myself that no one else really needs to understand and is sometimes a very welcomed break from the screaming and yelling and fighting and craziness that is my life right now with 3 little children. Being a mom is hard, especially right now as a medical wife/residency mom, in a new place, only to be in a new place again in a few weeks. There's no time to make friends. My social life consists of a 2 yr old, a 4 yr old, and a 7 yr old, with a hubby home for a few hours a day if I am lucky. But during those few hours we all seem to be fighting for his attention. So the hour, maybe 2, I get to spend with him at night are usually accompanied by physical exhaustion on both our parts. Sorry, I'm complaining - but that's the whole reason i am writing....well not to complain, but to help me get out the story to feel a little less....stressed is the word I'm looking for I think.

So, we left you hanging. We made it out to St. George. The whole truck and packing and traveling was a fiasco. The company we hired turned out to be crooks. Brett's mom and dad came to the rescue at the last minute with the truck and tailor. Brett's sister came to help with kids and packing (huge relief). Lots of money spent that we didn't really have...all to get us to a preceptor-ship in St. George Ut that really wasn't EXACTLY what we wanted, but a better opportunity than most. Oh, and our bank account and credit card info were stolen. 2 weeks after we got here, Brett flew out to New Orleans to an interview for a new residency program starting there in Louisiana. They were interviewing 12, so Brett didn't think he had much of a chance. This was the absolute last spot even available to be a resident for this year. 70 students left who wanted it....bad. But, Brett felt like St. George was it and we were both feeling really good about the place. It's a great program to be in with LOTS and LOTS of stuff to do. Basically, a resident without a credit of residency.....confusing, but it works. I however, wasn't unpacking until I new for SURE he didn't get New Orleans. He felt good about the interview, but still didn't think it was the answer. St. George just kinda felt right. So after almost 2 weeks without a word from the program, Brett finally convinced me to start making a home and unpack. I decorated. I threw away so many boxes. I hung up and washed so many clothes and found spots to put all of our crap. There were piles and piles of trash. I was literally hanging up our last photo frame when Brett called one day from Work...."I got New Orleans"
What!?! A million emotions running through both our heads. Gratitude, frustration, excitement, nervousness, overwhelming stress to only name a few. I new it. I NEW it would happen. We would move out to St. George JUST to move again...I totally called it from the first phone call about Nola.

So, here we are in a new kind of wonderful stress. Moving....again. When I think about all the money and time we will have spent moving and driving in that stupid car in less than 3 months, I want to vomit - everywhere. That's 2 uhaul truck rentals with a trailer for the car. Gas for said uhauls and a minivan for over 2200 miles. Hotel stays x 4. And AT LEAST 50 hours in the car....with 3 littlies and a dog. Oh, and it's me in the car with the kiddos the whole time while Brett drives the uhaul. i had mom and Monica helping on the way to Ut which is I am sure, where they saw the absolute worst side of me. A 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 2 yr old. On the same row of seats, all in reach of one another, in a minivan stuffed to the brims. That was for 20 hours. Now, I get to do 28 all by myself with the same kiddos and dog in a minivan one time more stuffed to the brims. I can't say I am honestly all to exited about the whole situation. Our kids already dread car rides form our last trio we JUST finished.

I LONG for the day to have stability in my life. I want to be in one place, to know whats coming next, and to stop thinking about everything else I still have to do for the next episode in our lives. I have, however, noticed in our past experience that you can't always count on stability. I have my kids, my husband, and my faith which are the closest things to any sort of solid factor in my life. And that's probably the closest we'll ever get to something firm and unmoving in our life....ever.

So almost $10,00 later and we are moving to New Orleans. We're searching for a home and starting yet another new chapter. We have 3 weeks. Lord help us it's gunna be a doozie.

And so it goes on...

Well, that's enough of that. We're still on "the Journey" with a little ore changes. Since that latter day, I have had my good days and bad. My grateful and my angry. I still know in the back of my head that everything is going to be fine, work our like it should. I know the Lord knows what He is doing, but, it takes constant effort and reassurance to have faith in something. Even though I know the feelings Ive felt and the answers I receive, Satan takes FULL advantage of my hints of doubt and anger....he knows his stuff.

So, present day happenings again. Brett got a preceptor offer in St. George for the year. Basically, a paid internship kind of offer so that he is current on his surgeries and keeps up with all of the medical mumbo jumbo of the podiatry world. We feel really good about it. Its a wonderful area, with so much to do and just a few hours down the road from his parents and some family. Its a great place to work with so much learning opportunities. Its a way better option than just being here for a year waiting and wondering. It will still be a hard year of wondering and preparing for the next match interviews, but it really is a great option for us in so many ways to be in St. George Ut. These last 2 weeks have been a little hectic with moving prep....moving is never fun. We are finally settled with an apt that took forever to find, moving trucks that are way to expensive, and kids that are excited/scared to leave. All the little details are all in place. Brett flew out to St. George on Wednesday to hash out dealings with the new work there and shadow the guy who is currently working. Thursday, his first day of orientation for his new job, he gets an e mail. New Orleans, LA is offering him an interview for a new residency program opening up in July. They want him to come and interview on the 27th of June....ya, that's 2 weeks after we have moved into a new place in St. George and have started a new job.

Not that we're not grateful. A residency is what we want, and Louisiana would be an awesome opportunity...but couldn't this have happened like 2 weeks ago?? A week ago even?? Alas, that is how the Lord works right? I have seen and am learning that in the moments your except it all and like to think you have everything figured out and all your ducks in a row, the Lord swoops in again with a bigger plan than yours. Either way, I am so thankful for either opportunity. Either of these situations are a win win for us. There's pros and cons to both. We're leaving it in His hands again and this time, we're ready for whatever we hear!!

Just Tuning in....

If you're just tuning into this, not even sure if anyone but myself and hubby read it, but you'll be a little confused. I have been playing catch up with whats been going on the last few months here in the Sorensen house....

March 31^st 2014 Part II My reaction caught me completely off guard. Brett had to get back to work, so the 2 second bad news phone call took a few minutes’ to process. Well, I processed it and a whole slew of emotions attacked in one terrible moment. I was so completely and utterly…confused. Up until this moment I had felt nothing but hope and confidence about everything. Not for one single moment had I been worried about anything. I had felt in my head, and in my heart, that everything was going to be just fine, over and over again. I was even ok about the answer being no to North Carolina, and I still felt ok about being here in Des Moines for another year – I always new that was a very real outcome and I was totally ok and FINE with that. So why was a bawling and freaking out!?! What the heck was going on with me!? I was seriously inconsolable! I just did not understand. I felt SO good about NC, about there being a solution solved that day to the worry and disappointment my husband had been feeling. And THAT is why I was so incredibly sad. I couldn’t believe the world was doing this to Brett! This man who is so smart, and gracious, and kind, and hard working – and I felt like NO ONE else was seeing that. It wasn’t fair that such a good man got nothing. I felt like it was all a stupid game of cheaters who were manipulating the system and not getting caught, but getting everything they wanted. Seriously, not fair AT ALL. I felt like such an idiot. Yesterday, Sunday I had felt so wonderful that morning. I stood up in church and bared my testimony, which I felt so strongly about, how the Lord is so ready and willing to run our lives…to lead us where He wants us to be. To give us bigger and better things than we ever thought possible if we only let Him take control and have faith and full trust in Him to let it all work out. And I had that faith. Well, now I felt like a goof for saying all those things because I was so beyond confused at my reactions to it all today. I had felt so worry free and wonderful about everything. I had spent the last week, trying to lift my husband’s spirits with words of peace and comfort I felt about the whole situation. But now, at this moment, and I felt was muddled…and even a little, rightfully I think, pissed off. I called my dad. Sent out text to friends and family who were all waiting to hear good news….and I cried like a baby the whole time. Brett called and said he was coming home…and he could tell I had been crying. I was trying really, really hard not to, but I just didn’t know why, why, WHY I was acting this way!!

Brett came home, held me in his arms and let me cry and be angry. And I felt bad and terrible because I was the one who was trying so hard and had said nothing but positive things to him about everything for almost 2 weeks about ALL of this. And now, he was looking at me and I was losing it…like everything I said seemed like a lie and I felt ashamed and so, so silly. But it hadn’t when I said it, and felt it…but now, I just seemed so incredibly stupid in front of him. But, he reminded me of one of the many conversations we had had this last week. I had said, when he would be down – I would be up…and vise versa. Never would we both be sad at the same time. He told me he felt like he was going to be devastated if he heard it was no, but he wasn’t. He felt ok about it all, had already kinda moved on from it. He was up and I was down. For some strange reason, this was my down moment. My terrible, rotten, awful moment that Brett said I had been holding in for 2 weeks now. In my mind, I felt like everything was my fault in some way. It was my fault the Lord was making us stick in Des Moines for another year. I was holding my husband back because I was dishonest. I was selfish. I was just not being the person I was supposed to be. So, this no residency possibility situation was MY fault – the Lord wanted to make ME good enough so we could move on. I felt so many un-named emotions, I felt like I made no sense to anyone, most of all myself. I told him about my horrible day, how I had lost my ring, which was also adding to my sorrow. Brett told me he said a prayer in the moments we were frantically looking for it together. He asked the Lord in frustration, seriously – please show me that you still care about us and haven’t forgotten us and let my wife find her ring!  Not 2 seconds after, I emptied a small trash bag on our kitchen floor and found my wedding ring inside.

Well, the day went on. My husband let me be sad. He let me be mad at the world. I probably took more frustration out on my kids and him than deserved. I kept thinking about more words I had offered my husband over the weekend. I told him about a talk I had heard about it being ok to be sad for a moment. That even the Lord, when he went to raise Lazareth from the dead, knowing of the great miracle He was about to do, cried for his friends. He was sad for a moment, when everyone else was sad for a moment. So, this helped me feel entitled to be sad and angry. I was taking my moment.

The Journey continued....

March 31^st 2014 Part I Monday was a really cruddy day. I had been frustrated all morning with every single one of my children at almost every moment. I opened a Diet Coke at 7 a.m. It was a long night of brody waking up at least 4 times and then deciding to get up for good at 6:15. I was exhausted from driving 30 plus hours in the last 48. I was worn out - mentally, physically and spiritually from the week we’d had. 5 minutes later, after one sip of my Diet C, Cason had spilt the whole thing all over my kitchen floor. Brody had found the Cheetos bag and there was cheese puff all over everything. Adalie wouldn’t put on her dang shoes and wined the whole time I was fixing her hair. Then, she was mad at me because she missed the bus and I had to take her to school. After dropping her off, I knew I just needed to do something to help pass the hours until Brett would hear from NC about the position available there. So, I took the boys to Wal-Mart so they could pick out their B-day gifts from Grandma and Grandpa with their birthday money. Even when I thought I was being a cool mom, the 40 mins it took Cason to pick something out was agonizing. A sword, a train, and a ninja turtle shell with 2 daggers later, I grabbed the milk and diapers I needed and fought both boys through the check out line. I was trying to keep Cason from all the candy and stupid toys right next to the register and Brody from climbing out of the buggy and pushing all the buttons on the screen while I tied to swipe my card. When we finally made it out to the car, I fought to get both boys to buckle in their seats. They screamed bloody murder because I couldn’t get their toys open fast enough, and Cason freaked out because I gave Brody his toy first. I still had to go to Costco. And there, I still struggled to keep both boys in the buggy and I was trying really hard to fight the urge to pop their little butts right there in the store because of all the screaming and fighting between them. On the way home, I got mad at another driver who wouldn’t let me in and my exit was coming up. I said “seriously jerk!?!” and Cason chimes in from the back seat “was that a mommy driver or a daddy driver?” “I don’t know Cason” “It was probably a mommy driver, because mommy’s are mean.” Awesome. When we got home, I was still in the absolute worst mood ever…trying to get the boys lunch in which they had more bouts about what I was giving them. Brody was exhausted and he needed to go down for a nap, which I was happy to do – quickly. He of course, fought that too, but I didn’t have any energy to sooth his cries and just let him cry for 25 mins until he finally gave up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I looked down at my hands and noticed my wedding ring wasn’t there. Now, this has happened before so my first reaction wasn’t panic, thinking I left it on my bed stand or bathroom counter after I washed my hands.  I wasn’t too worried about it. Well 1 hour later, and still not found. And then I was panicked. I had torn my room and kitchen and living room apart looking for it. I knew I had it on that morning, but I had been fighting with kids all day, I didn’t even know when I might have lost it off my finger. I called Costco and Wal-Mart, thinking that perhaps in my struggle with the kids, it probably slipped of my finger. The lady at Walmart  sure didn’t even try to make me feel better by offering the advice about finding it “being slim to nothing”…ya no, duh lady, but thanks for the cheery reminder. I felt like I had been losing my mind all morning. I couldn’t remember anything I wanted to remember about anything ever. I gave up for the moment on looking for my ring, let Cason turn on some video games while Brody was napping and I laid down on the couch. It was about 12:45 and I was waiting to hear from Brett still about the news from NC. 2:15 rolls around and I wake up to a phone call from Brett… “Well, bad news, looks like I didn’t quite make the cut. I was 3^rd of 8” And they only take the top 2. So it was a no to NC.

And I lost it.

More excerpts from The Journey

Friday March 21^st 2014 Brett and I had decided to fast together that day for some answers. What now? Brett still felt gloomy and sad, and I was giving constant pep talks of I know it will all be ok and the Lord will make it work. I did know it would all be ok, I still wasn’t worried AT ALL. Brett hadn’t heard anything from anyone yet. He got an e mail from school about more residency programs that were opening up. He was reading through the list and North Carolina caught his eye. This is the moment, Brett says, that his whole attitude turned around and he felt ok and not worried for the first time. He felt acceptance that things were as they should be and we would be fine. He, and I, had a really good feeling about NC. So he sent out an application and called, hoping for another chance at something. Friday was a really good day. We broke our fast and we both felt really good about everything that was going to happen. The Lord would take care of us. We knew we could handle whatever the Lord had planned. We would be just fine. And then it was. That weekend we got some REALLY exiting news. The director had invited Brett out for an interview and he wanted me to come with!! This was it. This was the answer. The Lord had something bigger and better and it was all working out. With LOTS of help from friends and last minute arrangements to leave the kids for 3 days, we drove 16 hours and had roughly 6ish hours to make a good impression, and then 16 hours home again. The 3 days felt like forever, but the guy loved Brett. We totally knew he was on our side and we felt elated the whole trip home. Now the director had to convince the 2 other guys who helped make the decision on which 2 residents they would take. This totally had to be it for us, it was such a wonderful opportunity to be apart of!! We were stoked!! We expected good news very shortly.

Adrift

Yes, I have been in a sea of emotional ups and downs lately. Lots of bad days and lots of good. Too embarrassed to write about it or tired of the situation or just enjoying the ride wherever it takes s now....Just excuses of how busy I have been and how bad I have been at writing. I have been keeping a little mini journal of our happenings these last few months on microsoft word, so I'll start sending them over here. Some of it right now make a much sense to most of you, but it is mostly for us anywho and you're invited to read about it if ya want =) anywho....Here we go, a little back in time.

Thursday March 20^th Well, after weeks and weeks of what felt like an eternity of waiting for Match day – Match day was finally here. Brett woke up early to go and play racquetball to help pass some time before it would e posted at 10 a.m. He got home at 9, and that last hour felt like forever. He was at his computer 10 mins before just pressing the “refresh” button over and over. I was ready with a plan of action, just in case he would be scrambling, to take the kids off and he could be alone in the house to do whatever scramblers needed to do after they found out. Although, I was certain it wouldn’t come to that, but if it did, I was ready. Well 10 a.m. came and all I heard Bret say was “I’m scrambling” as he was reaching for his phone. I quite calmly rounded up the kiddos out the door, kissed Brett, and told him everything was going to be just fine. He looked sick – but I knew he could get things done and it would be better if he didn’t have a house full of kids screaming and whining in the background while he scrambled in phone calls and e mails to everyone. I was on my way to the YMCA, calling my family to let them know the news. Trying to answer millions of text about “Where are you going!?” and FB post asking the same. I texted a friend to tell her the news, and she said come over. I was so glad for the invitation….I didn’t know what I was going to do at the YMCA and I really didn’t want to go there anyway. We cried, but I only cried for a second – because I knew and I felt like everything was just fine and going to be ok. Staying in Des Moines another year anyway, really wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to us. We like it here. We have a good home and are really well taken care of here. But, I knew how devastated Brett was feeling, and how lost and upset he was at the thought of the last 4 yrs being for nothing. How unthinkable it was to have to do it all over, wait another year out here trying for a spot again next year. And seeing my husband sad makes me want to punch the whole world in the face. You upset my baby- you upset me. Thursday was a long day. I came home with the kiddos around 3. Brett had been doing nothing except sending out e mails and calling people for the last 5 hours, and would continue well into the evening still doing just that. I tried to make the day still as normal as possible even though there was a little sad in the house - Still playing with kids, making dinner, casual conversation, bath times and bedtimes. A TV show before bed…. But I felt so terrible because Brett felt terrible. I however, felt just fine, great even that the Lord was going to take care of us. I wasn’t worried one bit.

I Get It

I have been MORE than terrible at blogging lately. I have missed so many special occasions...holidays, vacations, birthdays. and I WILL eventually log them all in. However, I need to write about the NOW in our lives.

Thursday is MATCH day for Brett. This is the day we have been waiting for and working for, for the last 3 1/2 yrs. All of Brett's hard work and test and studies. Days and nights away from us, comes down to one day to determine our future. No pressure right?? Well I wanted to just record how we, or rather I for the most part am feeling about it all. Well, whatever happens - I KNOW we will be ok. Despite everything we have what matters right? We have each other. A very strong marriage, wonderful children, and extended family who loves and supports us, and a Father in Heaven who KNOWS what is best. I am SO incredibly proud of my husband and the man that he is. I have said it hundreds of times over and over, but he is the better half of us for sure. The most selfless and kind man I know, who treats me better than sometimes i deserve to be treated with my nasty attitude. I believe in him and all of his wonderful capabilities.

We had the wonderful opportunity to attend the temple together on Friday evening. I love how the temple is a place to go where you Always feel peace and comfort. And we BOTH did. We both know, no matter what, we will be JUST FINE! He has a plan for us, and even if its not what we expect - we'll figure it out and be JUST FINE! I feel good about the outcome. I can't say we don't wish it was Greenville...the more I think about it the more excited I become about being there. BUT, be will be ok if it doesn't happen. I love our life. I love where we are and who we are right now - together. I hope to us this opportunity and timing to become better acquainted with my Father in Heaven. There is SO much I need to work on and be better at...and I am trying. I am SO incredibly grateful for a Savior, and the chances HE gives me.

So, Thursday...you have seemed so far away, for years now even and now it is 2 days away. Just 2 days to a whole slew of emotions. Remember - You will be Just fine. So many people believe in you and know that whatever happens, we will make it work. Just remember to love the moment you're in and who you're with.